Monday, April 26, 2010

Funny Christian Top Ten Lists

"The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn"

10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?

"Noah's Top 10"

10. Strange! We haven't seen another boat for weeks.
9. If only I'd brought along more rhino litter!
8. How many times around this place makes a mile?
7. I never want to sleep in a waterbed again.
6. I wonder what my friends are doing right now.
5. An outboard motor would have made this more exciting!
4. Fish for supper--again?
3. Does anyone have more Dramamine?
2. What? You don't have film to photograph the rainbow?
1. I should have killed those darn mosquitoes when I had the chance!

"Top Ten Reasons for Joining the Choir"

10. Your running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.
9. You've just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of people.
8. Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.
7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
6. There's a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it's 12:00.
5. The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.
4. For years you've wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.
3. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the preacher to catch you.
2. The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.
1. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!

"Top Ten Gifts Given the First Christmas That Aren't Mentioned in the Bible"

10. "I Luv Bethlehem" bumper sticker.
9. Subscription to "Better Homes and Stables."
8. Rain Check at the Bethlehem Holiday Inn.
7. A tube of "Deep Heat" (from the shepherds who were "sore afraid").
6. Lifetime membership to the "Good Shepherd Society".
5. McNally's Guide to Egypt.
4. Movie passes to "Star Trek: Journey to THE King."
3. Book: "All You Wanted to Know About Being Human But Were Afraid To Ask!"
2. A T-Shirt (infant size) with "My Dad's Out of This World!," written on it.
1. SON glasses.

"Top Ten Reasons You Should Tithe"

10. Your church started a new stewardship drive -- every time you give, your chances of winning increase!
9. The choir has started wearing their bathrobes during the service.
8. The last few Sunday's the Treasurer has gotten up half way through the service and turned the heat off.
7. The Preacher has worn the same suit every Sunday for the past three years.
6. The Deacons are starting to drool and growl as they collect the offering!
5. The offering plates have been sold and replaced with ice cream buckets.
4. The Treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes!
3. You tried to call the Church Office last week but found that the phone's been disconnected!
2. Parking meters had to be installed in the church parking lot.
1. As a Christian you understand the privilege it is to have a partnership in the Gospel!

Top Ten Ways You Know You're In a Bad Church

10.The church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
7. There's an ATM in the lobby.
6. Choir wears leather robes.
5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. Karaoke Worship Time.
2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"
1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

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