Sunday, April 25, 2010

7 Stages of My New Butt

So my mom, Jackson and I went on a road trip this past weekend to Lubbock to visit family and show off my little man. We had a fun drive there even with the threat of bad weather and ended up seeing a gorgeous rainbow on the other side of a storm. This rainbow was huge and you could see from one end to the other! We made all the important visits while we were in town, including Shoe Carnival - I always have to go to Shoe Carnival when I go to Lubbock. God was smiling down on us because we got there in time for a great deal they were 1 pair and get 1 half off with the purchase of a package of socks. My mom and I whipped through the store super-fast because we only had 15 minutes to take advantage of the deal and we left with some great shoes. During the drive home yesterday I came across this article in my Parents magazine and just had to share. It seriously made me laugh and I hope it does the same for you.

7 Stages of My New Butt (whether you are pregnant, been pregnant, or have kept on that "Freshman 15 (or 20, or 30)" for the past 10 years...this is for you.

Stage 1 - Denial: This isn't a new butt. It's the same awesome butt you had the day you got married.

Stage 2 - Shock: Well, it's technically the same butt, but for some reason it doesn't fit into the pants you wore last year (makes me think about my awesome red pants) - before you got pregnant (or gained a little weight). But there's no way your butt could be so drastically altered by having a baby. Could it? OMG!

Stage 3 - Anger: Fine. It's not the same butt. It has curves and divots and new places that sweat. It follows you wherever you go. Stupid, annoying butt and its stupid, annoying cellulite! is it possible to get a restraining order to prevent it from stalking you?

Stage 4 - Depression: No dice. It turns out you can't get a restraining order against your own body. And if you inquire about it people laugh at you. And that makes you cry. As do the elastic-waist pants you just bought, even though you are nine months postpartum. Those lying liars who said "nine months on, nine months off" must have gotten to keep their original cute butt.

Stage 5 - Guilt: Your are a grown woman. You have a degree. You know that women should be - and are - more than just hot bodies. You know objectification is cruel. You've read the magazine articles that tell you how awesome you are. You created life. And yet....this butt. IT WON'T GO AWAY.

Stage 6 - Fear: You probably have Flesh Expanding Butt Disease. It's very rare, but if you do get FEBD your butt will eventually consume your entire body, preventing you from leading a normal life. There is no cure for this horrible ailment. Best to just go buy a bunch of sweatpants.

Stage 7 - Acceptance: Right. So it isn't that bad, really. Your new butt does come with some nice features. It's easier to close the car door now. Your kids have something to hang on when you're at the grocery store. And your husband likes it. A lot. In fact, your new butt is kind of growing on you.

(Parents magazine - April 2010)

One of these days my butt will be able to fit into my red pants again!


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