Poopie

My heart is very heavy for a friend right now, and I just can't think of anything interesting or meaningful to blog about. So here goes nothing... Someone (I won't say who, but I share a bed with him.) just gave me an analogy that quickly reminded me of something. The Poopie List. The Poopie List was emailed around sometime during my early years of college. In fact, I can actually remember sitting in the library computer lab reading it. I guess it really made an impression! Have you read it? If you don't appreciate bathroom humor (Who are you?!), please stop reading now. Seriously. But if you do, here's a refresher course. :)

THE POOPIE LIST

Ghost Poopie - The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie - The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie - The kind where you wipe 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie - This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie - The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie - It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie - Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie - The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie - Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie - The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie - That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out so fast, your cheeks gets splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie - The kind where liquid shoots out and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

The Surprise Poopie - You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!

The Dangling Poopie - This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

And here are a few that have been added since I originally saw the list:

Crowd Pleaser Poopie - This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Ritual Poopie - This occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

Honeymoon's Over Poopie - This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.

Phantom Poopie - This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

Bombshell Poopie - A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poopie (i.e., during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near poopie-ing facilities.

Snake Charmer Poopie - A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -- usually harmless.

Premeditated Poopie - Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

Houdini Poopie - (Same as Ghost Poopie) You go, then you stand up to flush, and the thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

Wishing you all clean poopies today!